Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
