I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
