If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
