im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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