the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
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I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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