I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
