you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
