Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
