I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
