her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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