Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
