I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
