No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This baby is an asshole
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize