bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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