Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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