HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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