You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
