Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
