Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
