he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
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She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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