the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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