dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
