Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
