Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird