My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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