Non-Jews are for practice
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Mom said you looked used
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
