I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
