I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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