She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
