My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
