she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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