My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
