Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
