Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
