just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.