Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
