this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
