I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
