I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
