just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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