Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
