I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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