yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
