hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
