filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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