I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
