also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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