I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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