Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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