Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
