I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
