I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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