During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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