you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
