This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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